Leave a comment


…when you know you have to write, and what you have to (not want to) write about is so sensitive and will expose you to the world, and it scares you coz you don’t want your readers to know what you’ve been through, and you find yourself avoiding ‘the Blank Word Document’ and start typing… That’s how I’m feeling about this Article. Yesterday when I was thinking about it and as I looked at the extent of personal info that God wanted me to share here, I could feel tears filling up in my eyes especially when I reflected on how far I’ve come and what He has brought me through…wow! (..and as I write this, this song comes to mind, “Umbali nimetoka, na mahali nimefika, ndio maana ninatambua kwamba wewe ni Ebenezer”). Ever had similar moments, where you looked back at your life and just marveled (in tears) of how far God has brought you? He took me several years back and showed me areas to share on, and to some of them I was like, “That one too, Lord?? Aiii aca wee (No, Lord)”, but I knew, no matter how hard I protested, at the end of the day, I had to write it, to speak to someone that is or has been in such a situation(s) like I was, or to someone that has never moved on from something that happened a long time ago. So come with me…
Since I started Blogging (almost 7 months ago), God has been taking me on a Journey, the kind of a ‘journey’ where it starts all okay, easy and fun without any detours, and as it progresses, it starts becoming tough and you find yourself having to pass through dark caves and climb very sharp hills, valleys and such (not literally though). I’m at such a point where He wants me to open up more, put my story out there for people to at least learn from my experiences (the ones I’ve heard so far, and others to come, all for His Glory).
My family and some of my close pals can testify to this, that I’ve always been this quiet, calm, collected and preserved girl, and I’ve always loved my own world. That’s where I’m most comfortable. I love my space, I love my own company. I’ve actually been able to start opening up just recently. There were times when my mom would quarrel me asking why I have to hide some ‘minor’ stuff from her, even the not-so-important ones, but to me it was important, and at some point she just decided to let me be. My close girl-friends too, often fight me saying that I’m secretive and don’t tell them my stuff, even when I’m going through something, and I try to tell them that that’s just me, that’s how I am, but they’re stubborn and won’t understand. Hopefully, either they will, along the way, or I will learn to open up more (So help me God). As I said, it’s a journey. About the Relationships I’ve been in, don’t even go there…lol! It’s a whole new story :-)
I was reading this story about Monica Johnson and how she lost her Mother when she was only 1, and her and her big Sister were raised in different homes as there was no one to stay with them constantly, you know, from one relative to another till they got old enough to look after themselves. She says that because of that lose and lack of that special kind of love that only a Mother (her Mother) could give, she lost her identity, felt she didn’t belong and her self-esteem was so low. She tried to fit in, afraid of being herself and she turned into a people pleaser. The good thing is that she knew she had a problem (it affected her negatively) to overcome and she was determined to succeed no matter what. She refused to let that define her. Today she’s an Author, Speaker, Motivator and Change Agent. You can learn more about her here http://www.1wordmovement.com.
I had a similar experience, like Monica’s. When I was 2 years old (I had to confirm the exact age from Mom, and she didn’t quite understand why I was asking about it ‘NOW’, or what had come up, and I told her I just read a similar story online and it caused me to remember), my Mom had to go back to college to finish her education, and so I and my big Sister were left in the care of my Dad and my Grandma. I knew she left but I didn’t know for how long she was gone. I didn’t feel the void so much but I kept asking for her and where she was coz Sis kept telling me she would come back, and every day I waited and watched for her coming down from Wafangua’s (our neighbor’s home in shags which is on a hilly place where we could see someone coming down and going up). I can’t remember doing this nor imagine how naughty I was, but they tell me I used to lie to my Sister that I’ve seen Mom coming down the hill, and she would come running to see her too only to realize it wasn’t true (little liar…haha).
I understand that many Moms go and never come back (and maybe you reading this is a victim), not caring what the kids they left behind would do without them, how they would survive without their Motherly touch, love and support. Thank God my Mom came back after 2 years, when I was 4. As I hear, she came during the day and found us playing in the compound, and when I saw her, it was like I wasn’t sure whether she was my Mom or not, coz I stood like 3miters away from where she was sitting, looking at her intently. Finally when my mind was done figuring out who she was, I ran to her and lay on her lap and started crying. I think they were tears of joy. Not sure how it would have been like if she took longer or never came back.
You in your late 20s, you’ve never seen your Dad or Mom, or they left when you were very little to have an idea of what was going on (but you know they are alive), and all through the days and years you’ve been waiting for the day they will show up and probably apologize for leaving and you re-unite, but you aren’t sure if they will? Well, I may sound like I’m ‘just saying’ or just giving you mere hopes, but don’t lose it, gather the peaces left around and don’t let it die, keep it alive. One of these days you may be surprised to receive a call from them.
Something else happened when I was around 6-7 years. A close relative of mine, much much older, took advantage of me, sexually. I never raised an alarm about it coz he warned me not to, and so I never told anyone, for years, leave alone my Mom. Not sure for how long the hideous act happened but it was more than once. In my early years, esp. my teens, I had real issues with my self-esteem, big-time, and I’m certain that that incident contributed a lot to it (but I’ve been able to gain it back). I got to share it for the first time, in the midst of tears, with my Mom not so long ago, 2012 to be precise, and she asked me why I never told her for all those years, and I explained that I was warned not to. What pained me most about it is knowing that I wasn’t a virgin anymore, and that the person I was supposed to trust to look out for me robbed me off my dignity at a very tender age. You may ask, “But Philo, why are you sharing such deep stuff about yourself?” You know why it’s so easy for me to? Because I’ve already healed, I’m over it and I no longer live in my past, my future is so much brighter and I decided that nothing is gonna stop me. Though the memories can’t disappear, sharing helped, a lot, and I was able to forgive him. I still wonder whether he remembers it and how it affected me, but I chose to let it go.
I’ve gone through some other ‘dark’ stuff (I’ll share with time), some of which have left me wounded and with scars, but through God’s grace I’ve been able to overcome. Through all of it I’ve learnt that when I fall down, I have a choice to make; either to stay down or get up and continue walking, no matter the back-lash or the labels people may place on me. Some of us reading this may have been robbed off their dignity in one way or another, maybe you were brought up by a single parent and taking you and your siblings through school was a hustle, and it’s still a hustle, and all your life you’ve had to do odd jobs to make ends meet. You can’t remember the one time when you enjoyed life; it’s never been sweet for you. You don’t find anything to be happy or smile about, you know, all those real deep stuff that you don’t want anybody to know. But Hey, you don’t have to stay there. You can still make something out of your life and your family.
There comes a time where you have to beat the odds and rise up to where you are supposed to be, to where God wants you to be, see yourself as God sees you. Remember Jeremiah 29:11 says, that “For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you,’ says the Lord, ‘plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster to give you a future and a hope.” I do my best to keep holding onto and claiming this verse, at all times. I’m not yet where I want to be, and there’s no time to give up, and to you as well. As long as we’re alive, there’s still hope for us, no matter how down or beaten we might be, we will rise. In-spite of your circumstances, never portray yourself as a victim. Learn to lean on and depend on God’s plans for you. Jichoche the most!
You’re afraid of what people will say about you; how they’ll start treating you once you open up to them? You don’t have to live according to how they expect you to live (you’ll die young), you are not them and can never be them. Yes, they may not understand what you had to go through and the giants you had to fight and overcome to be where you are today, but everyone has got their own journey, their own story, so if you’ve never risen up from that pit you fell into a long time ago, it’s time to rise up, and face your fears. You can heal and start all over again, it’s never too late. Get your dignity back, get your groove on, again, do what you have to do to succeed. Don’t let where you are right now define you, no; you have the power to redefine yourself. You were made for greatness, you are destined for greatness!
It’s time to remember who are you are, and most importantly, who God says you are. Look at 1 Peter 2:9 “But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a consecrated nation, a [special] people for God’s own possession, so that you may proclaim the excellencies [the wonderful deeds and virtues and perfections] of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Developed by: Grid Branding Solutions